Logic’s Last Stand

July 2, 2008


Filed under: Life, Philosophy — Tags: , , , — Zurahn @ 1:06 am

15 years. That is how long I’ve lived in my current residence after having moved, and I’ve never really been the same. I was 6 at the time, and while prior I had been reasonably social (as best I can recall), things drifted from there. The world further and further developed in a way that wasn’t meant for me.

I’ve at times resolved myself to at least be more verbally open and direct, expressive if still resolved to my principles. There’s been mixed successes, but I remain mentally stagnated while communicating — the only difference is that online I am not on a timer.

Several times I have looked for an answer. What did I need to know to become the complete person. I’ve also relished being correct, skilled and knowledgeable. Wise, focused and determined. Pure, loyal and practical. I’ve wanted to be perfect, but I remained flawed.

There are answers that people can offer, to varying degrees of practicality. Ultimately, though, this is not a physical disability. The answer can only come of my own mind and my own resolve.

I can tell you now, I at last have my answer: I don’t want to change.

I’ve been placed where I don’t belong, I’ve had issues surrounding other’s expectation, however bizarre. While it can be trying and even restricting to my own success, even potentially happiness, what is more important is my own being.

Through college I’ve had the opportunity to have the Internet at my fingertips. Information at a whim. The only way I am going to change is to forego my own progress and ideals. I’m sure it seems strange to those who are not in a position such as my own, but perhaps you can. Imagine having to go the otherway — a world where people considered your quips at how hot it is moronic. Where parties are about activity and not social interaction. Where schmoozing is dead.

If you are used to society as it is, at least as I find it in Ontario, then you can imagine what a quantum shift that would be not only in your daily activities but your very person. How much you’d have to change yourself just to a part of that new world.

I cannot be perfect in this regard, but I have understanding. I do not want to change–not that way.



  1. *Constructive criticism*

    Like you say, it’s not a physical disability. I think the main thing is that you just have to speak louder and clearer, and more concisely.

    When somebody says “Hi Derek”, all I normally hear is an extended mumble. Even talking to your own family… actually, talking to me, Trevor, and Danny is really the only time I have heard you speak clearly at all :P.

    I don’t see the point of random “hi, how are you?” small-talk either, but try to at least give an answer when someone takes the effort to talk to you. The world is full of lots of idiots running their mouths about nothing, but I think it’s better than living in a robotic world where “miscellanious acknowledgements are assinine.”

    As a general rule, when someone talks, you should try to emulate by talking equally loud and clear as them, for approximately the same duration. That will get you started at least.

    But at the same time I can see why typing is much easier than talking and why you come off 500% more intelligent and professional online, thus my irrational fear of talking on the phone.

    I still think seeing yourself recorded in a social setting would give some pretty big insight into what you could change to better integrate into society, but I don’t think you are particularly interested in that anyway.

    And lastly another big thing is INITIATIVE.


    Comment by yarcofin — July 2, 2008 @ 5:01 pm

  2. For the best example of my ability to speak, it would be to see a presentation of mine. It’s not a matter of conversation, it’s a matter of dictation.

    What I was attempting to suggest in this blog wasn’t so much an inability, but a recognition.

    “I think it’s better than living in a robotic world”

    The recognition that I am, or at would be, happier as my own robotic self than changes that would only occur through a personal change.

    Though I don’t think it was your point, your link is telling. That isn’t about communication or betterment. It’s unabashedly about sex and seduction. I understand that people would rather see a character than a person.

    I could go into why I stagnate in speech, but that’s a whole separate topic. I also don’t mean to disqualify your statements, I know where you’re going.

    Comment by zurahn — July 3, 2008 @ 12:44 am

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