15 years. That is how long I’ve lived in my current residence after having moved, and I’ve never really been the same. I was 6 at the time, and while prior I had been reasonably social (as best I can recall), things drifted from there. The world further and further developed in a way that wasn’t meant for me.
I’ve at times resolved myself to at least be more verbally open and direct, expressive if still resolved to my principles. There’s been mixed successes, but I remain mentally stagnated while communicating — the only difference is that online I am not on a timer.
Several times I have looked for an answer. What did I need to know to become the complete person. I’ve also relished being correct, skilled and knowledgeable. Wise, focused and determined. Pure, loyal and practical. I’ve wanted to be perfect, but I remained flawed.
There are answers that people can offer, to varying degrees of practicality. Ultimately, though, this is not a physical disability. The answer can only come of my own mind and my own resolve.
I can tell you now, I at last have my answer: I don’t want to change.
I’ve been placed where I don’t belong, I’ve had issues surrounding other’s expectation, however bizarre. While it can be trying and even restricting to my own success, even potentially happiness, what is more important is my own being.
Through college I’ve had the opportunity to have the Internet at my fingertips. Information at a whim. The only way I am going to change is to forego my own progress and ideals. I’m sure it seems strange to those who are not in a position such as my own, but perhaps you can. Imagine having to go the otherway — a world where people considered your quips at how hot it is moronic. Where parties are about activity and not social interaction. Where schmoozing is dead.
If you are used to society as it is, at least as I find it in Ontario, then you can imagine what a quantum shift that would be not only in your daily activities but your very person. How much you’d have to change yourself just to a part of that new world.
I cannot be perfect in this regard, but I have understanding. I do not want to change–not that way.