Just this once.
Back in grade school, I had a teacher who listed out human needs. Water, air, food, shelter, and companionship. That last one struck me; his demonstration was to stick an obnoxious student who thrives on attention in the hall to see if he tries to get noticed; needless to say I wasn’t convinced.
I’ll need to give you some backstory on myself. You could say I never was particularly normal — the high-point of my social life was before my family moved cities…when I was six. Since then, it’s been a rather linear progression as I further and further drifted from relating to others. I’ve tried to see where I fit, and frankly I don’t. Not to say that’s good or bad or anyone’s fault, it just is. So long ago, earlier than you would expect, I’ve had the understanding that I would live my life primarily alone, and have been mentally preparing myself as such.
It was never perfect; I had always wanted, at the least, just one person to completely relate to and for it to be mutual. That said, after spending a year working in a call centre, when I finally left, it was gone. Dead. I whole-heartedly enjoyed being alone following that, and it scared me. It was like living in a shell. Over time, I’ve been able to revive some feeling inside, yet it manages to confuse things all the more. A curious little curse that is, feel nothing or feel pain.
At any rate, that leads me to today. Essentially the only time I have human interaction face-to-face is once a week when I have lab work at University with a partner. As stupid as it is, and despite my failed efforts to understand it, I walk out of the class feeling better than I have in years. A short-lived high, but it’s helps for a day.
And that brings us back around to those needs. Water, air, food, shelter. Companionship. I thought I could do this alone, and I’ve been trying for years, but something’s got to give. I’m not healthy right now, at least, not by any fair definition — a healthy person does not feel like this — and it only progresses. Problem is, that doesn’t change who I am or anyone else is. Society around here relates drinking with fun, and the only people who don’t drink are either recovering alcoholics or deeply religious. Kinda puts the atheist non-drinker out. Of course, it’s entirely possible to get along with people very different than myself, I tend to get along with a majority of people, but I’ve found that’s limiting, for lack of a better term.
I am who I am, and I put my integrity first and foremost, so certain things will never change. I also don’t particularly think my evaluation of a life alone is wrong, either. I’m just not so sure that list of needs was off-base.