I rarely relate to characters in movies, books or TV shows. They’ll have the typical character constructs that I, for better or worse, tend not to fall in to. Recently, though, I’ve found a bit of common-ground with the characters in His and Her Circumstances.
His and Her Circumstances is an anime that focuses on the relationship between Yukino Miyazawa and Soichiro Arima. The two come together based on their mutual character flaw of putting up appearances. Each of them, for his and her own reason, had been trying to appear to their peers as perfect; they were model students.
I’ve been doing this for years. It’s not exactly the same situation — Miyazawa would practice all night and day, and lie about interests; I avoided the topic altogether. My most recent blog post focused on the idea of not saying things you aren’t sure about, as it’s become a defining characteristic of my outward appearance; if I don’t know, I don’t speak, lest I be perceived as intellectually inferior.
It’s gotten to the point where I deceive myself. I’ll get praise where I don’t deserve it, and have no idea why others get a positive impression. I’m unable to make decisions because I’m unsure what I actually want. It’s nice to be thought highly of, but it’s not worth it if it’s not real.
If someone asks a question, I search for an answer to appear knowledgeable.
If someone needs help, I find out how to appear useful.
If someone is better than I am, I avoid comparisons as to not appear inferior.
If someone is lesser than I am, I’ll accept challenges to appear superior.
If I’m likely to fail, I’m likely not to try.
Even writing this, my concern is significantly on whether or not I come across as narcissistic for writing about myself too often. You’ve also seen it yourselves; my posts will address objective points where I can provide an explanation, as opposed to posting personal opinion and my daily life. I do get caught up, from time to time, on argumentative points. I’ll talk about technical issues because that’s what I know, and additionally, around a non-technical audience, I don’t have to fear reprisal if I happen to be mistaken.
I fear I may getting lost in my own mind, but I also fear what else may be in there. As of now I’m benign as I drift by unnoticed in the background. False grace is better than genuine malice.