Something in the past few years has happened to me, and it’s been a struggle to define or explain it. The majority is a topic for another day, but in the end I can say I definitely have a greater breadth and capacity for emotion and caring far beyond anything prior.
Consistently I am able to be moved by all kinds of mediums unlike anything before. Movies, music, games, books, whatever can reach me. Highs and lows, joy and tears.
But that is all in the moment. Before it starts and when it ends, I am a shell. There’s nothing left over but to wonder where it went and what to do next.
Individual things make me happy, perhaps at a moment, moreso than ever before, and yet I’m not happy. I’m lost.
A few weeks back I legitimately had an epiphany. Being conflicted on many issues that I couldn’t wrap my head around, I finally stumbled on the basis, the foundation for everything I feel. Making others happy is more enjoyable and satisfying than anything else could ever be.
Somehow it’s not quite like the movies. Knowing why doesn’t solve the outcome. It’s a bit of a paradox really, wanting to help others while having no desire to have anything to do with them personally. At least I’m on the right career path, should that ever amount to anything.
Sorry, this is a bit of ramble, but is this how it’s supposed to work? Hopping from emotional stimulant to stimulant in order to grasp at a brief moment of joy before it vanishes back into nothingness?